Fugu Chef: A Life Calling or Just a Fantasy

"Fugu": the Japanese word for puffer fish and a cuisine dish made from this so called poisonous sea creature........ and they think I'll die within 6-24 hours of consumption. Yeah, right. Its a seasonal dish typically served in the months that are approaching (December and January) and the chefs that prepare it have gained my affection. (I don't know how but they did, Japanese dark magic perhaps?) So I made it a life goal to become one. You may ask how I stumbled upon this profession that has drawn so much of my interest. Well, it all started with my dull, dreary life. As I walked in the door at 2:45, I retired to the basement to start with the regular routine of the day. (And no Berti, contrary to might you what think I'm doing. I'm not, so just keep reading.) The basement holds my non-Xbox360 PS2, which intern holds my not-real Madden 08 Superstar, who had just won rookie of the year as leading rusher of the fantasy NFL. But, he had a rough off-season and ended up being traded to the very, very, very, not-successful Buffalo Bills. His speed isn't up to par with the other backs of the league, so my frustration grew as the 8-1 Raiders (How the hell? Yeah... I know) kept the tackles coming as I fumbled and rushed for an average of 2.1 yards per play. In my fury of swearing and "why gods" I turned the PShit2 off and decided it was time to do my ever so calming chemistry. I trudged up the stairs and settled down in the den for some quality Valaville H-W. But, as soon as I opened the book, the irritating smell of that god for saken hardcover reminded me that:

1. Mrs. Vala never taught us this. Oh yeah, now I remember, she was ranting about the pride she has in the freshmen Asian kid in our class. Who has a 99%

2. This means I teach it to my self. Oh shit, I can't begin to pronounce or even sound out the name of this section?!

3. Mrs. Vala-adjfafhkiolckshluecabn- you make me unable to form coherent words.

and

4. I hate cocky Asian people.

So, I said screw this and went upstairs to our fourth bedroom, which has a comfortable daybed and also a T.V. I flipped through my favorite channels, which include the Travel Channel: "And what before my wonderful eyes appear, but a special on Fugu and a chefs career." As I watch mesmerized the voice inside my head calls out "LIFE GOAL!"

All the sudden an image flashes to my mind:

Coming to the Travel Channel this May. We travel to Japan and get involved with the Black Market of Seafood (Can you say baby seal? If you can, burn in hell) and watch how our professional chef straddles death each day with the art of Japanese cuisine. The Travel Channel presents "Fatal Fugu" with host and head chef Ryan Jelso.

Of course becoming a Fugu chef takes years of training and memorization of the anatomy of the toxic fish, so I'll sum it up for you in some quick bullets:

• Licensed fugu chefs are carefully taught which parts of the fish are edible, and which contain the deadly poison. (What can be harder than chemistry? Oh yeah, nothing.)
  
• Needs: Dedication and a skilled hand. Also the knowledge of exactly what to cut away. (Dedication is lacking, but a skilled hand, you don't want to know.)


• Fugu chefs study and memorize the exact layout of the fish and the location of every drop of poison. (Memorization of my locker com and the password to various pass-word needing things in my life. Got that down pat.)


• Lets just say, you can only obtain a license in Japan and it takes nearly 10 years to obtain. (Who has time after high school?!?! I do!!!!!)


• 2/3 of students drop out of the license race because hands-on as well as hand-written tests become so difficult. (Ok, maybe this career is to demanding.)


• "Tetrodotoxin", the fugu poison numbs the lips and mouth while you eat and if enough is in took it can cause paralysis, then convulsions, which leads to the constriction of breathing and then guess what?! To put it bluntly, you die. (Sounds fun. When do I get started?)
  
  Well, there you go. It was once a mere Japanese food, but now has the honor to be added to my life goal list. It also gives me something to think about during the day, while my mind goes to waste with some of my lesser intelligent teachers or you're bothering me. JELLO