Squirrel Fighting... Hey Its Better Than Dogs

I love dogs, fighting and the NFL. So whats better than watching Michael Vick taking all my favorites and rolling them into one? Squirrel Brawls, that's what. As I attempted to watch the replays of the various sports on ESPN, something was making a commotion outside my family room bay window. I quietly got up from the couch, edged to the window and peaked my head over the molding. At first, I just saw flashes of fur as some sort of animals were going back and forth, but when they came to those brief moments of a stare down, you could tell they were squirrels.(If you couldn't, then most likely you would be high.) Biting, clawing, tail yanking, everything was fair game, and for ten minutes they slashed at each other over something pretty trivial. Drugs. You see, when the last fertilizer of the year is put down, that signals to squirrels that not every one will make it through the harsh winter, so lets get trashed and have before-I-die-sex. Lets just say its like a meteor is about to hit the Earth and you light a field of marijuana and run around in it, with women. They frolic and roll around, all the while huffing the pesticides that make them crazy or horny or both. Plus, since I read animal minds, I can tell you that Squirrel One's brother had just been hit by a car and Squirrel Two started to go out with Squirrel One's dead brother's wife and now they have a child...which was picked off by a hawk. Its complicated. Don't ask. These weren't feisty black and red squirrels with high levels of testosterone, these were the common, brown squirrels, that occasionally got into the bird feeder, but today were more dangerous. For name sake purposes, Squirrel One looked like a Chauncey and Squirrel Two reminded me of an Estevan. Chauncey was clearly bigger, I could see his oddly big muscles tighten for confrontation under his silky, brown fur. With a whip of his tail and a flash of his teeth he indicated that he might beat a bitch. If he was human I think he might deal drugs. Estevan was a scrappy squirrel, he had speed and so much jumping ability he practically flew when he first leaped from the tree. As he saw Chauncey's gesture of aggression he immediately narrowed his eyes and came flying in from a nearby tree, landing right in front of the other monstrous squirrel. Then it happened, Chauncey took an unexpected beating as Estevan pounced on him gnawing and biting. Chauncey threw him off and they continued their battle across my yard. They gradually moved towards the front of the house and I scurried to each of my windows to get a better view. I found a decent watching post from my den window just in time to see Estevan take one to the face. He laid there in the grass for a few moments and when Chauncey came to stand over him, he quickly jumped up and continued the clash. I thought I said, "Oh shit!" to myself, but I guess not, because my mom then proceeded to ask me what I was doing. I quickly answered, "Watching squrriels." Which she probably took as, "I do drugs." They fought into the street and at that exact moment a huge SUV came barreling down the road. I closed my eyes and when I heard it pass I slowly opened them. At first, I didn't see anything and I thought that the SUV had disintegrated them with its tires or just hit them so hard that they immediately went to Heaven. But, as I scanned the landscape I saw Chauncey by a boxwood and Estevan had ended up across the street, in the neighbors maple. They must have scurried out of harms way in the last mili-second. For some reason I could tell this would not be the end of it. The next day, as I drove around the bend of my street that is usually frequented with chipmunk bodies, I passed a dead squirrel. The body resembled that of a bigger squirrel and I thought that it might even be Chauncey or it was. Thats the world of organized crime, I'm pretty sure Estevan had somethings "taken care of." So I came here and blogged about it.